A year ago, i never would have known that i would have had stress attacks, where i can't even control my heartbeat or breathing for sometimes ten minutes. A major stress attack was caused by my dad, the completly 'blind to the entire world' kind of person. He decided in all his infinite wisdom to place this laptop on a time lock. The night before i had a huge project due, so yes, i freaked and my heartbeat skyrocketed. I have never freaked out in my life like that. Curled into a ball, gasping for air as my lungs went into what seemed like spasms, and my heartbeat thudding loudly in my veins. Thoughts raced through my mind. 'Did he do this on purpose?, What made him do this in the first place? WHAT IN ALL THE NINE LEVELS OF HELL MADE HIM THINK ABOUT DOING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?!?!?!?!?'
Well, besides that. The guys at my co-op are acting nice again. Its strange. I don't trust it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
So, after some thinking. I discovered that i don't think Welding will be the correct job for me. Its more of a hobby in my own opinion. I was blinded by the like of it to see the details. Now i see clearly. I was not meant to be a welder by trade. I was so caught up in the sparkle of co-op that i forgot to actually see what was happening.
What is my true calling? Will i figure it out? How long will it take? Can i figure out who i am? Will i need to go out into the world to figure it out? Just thinking about all these unanswered questions makes my brain ache with the mere thought. I just want to be happy. I don't see myself happy with welding as a career. I like books and reading, plus the knowledge that comes along with them. Museums are places i feel comfortable and safe. In the shop, there is not one machine that can't hurt or kill me in some way. I don't even know how many times i got hurt in the shop at my school. My blood was spilled in that shop. And it is repayed by douchebags who make fun of me and make stupid comments about anything. I hate it. They treat me like some stupid bimbo who doesn't know anything about welding. They are not better than me. They will never be better than me. I say those last words with malice. A malice dripping with hatred towards there very beings. I would wish all of the layers of hell upon them, but i belive that things will work out in the end.
Harsh words and violent blows
Hidden secrets no one knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
deep inside i'm warped and twisted
What is my true calling? Will i figure it out? How long will it take? Can i figure out who i am? Will i need to go out into the world to figure it out? Just thinking about all these unanswered questions makes my brain ache with the mere thought. I just want to be happy. I don't see myself happy with welding as a career. I like books and reading, plus the knowledge that comes along with them. Museums are places i feel comfortable and safe. In the shop, there is not one machine that can't hurt or kill me in some way. I don't even know how many times i got hurt in the shop at my school. My blood was spilled in that shop. And it is repayed by douchebags who make fun of me and make stupid comments about anything. I hate it. They treat me like some stupid bimbo who doesn't know anything about welding. They are not better than me. They will never be better than me. I say those last words with malice. A malice dripping with hatred towards there very beings. I would wish all of the layers of hell upon them, but i belive that things will work out in the end.
Harsh words and violent blows
Hidden secrets no one knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
deep inside i'm warped and twisted
Friday, April 9, 2010
Woes of a Headbanger
I guess i knew that it would be tough. Being a girl in a guys world has its ups and downs. Recently, its the downs that are driving me into nervous breakdowns and wanting it all to end.
Ok, so here's the scene. I work part time as a co-op student in a welding and machine shop, they do custom everything. There are seven or so guys that work there, with many more popping in and out to chat or make a work order. Besides myself i have only seen 8 other women in the many weeks i have been there. Its a male dominated workplace. I feel out of place more than often. The guys joke around and talk so easily, but my voice lies lost. Lost to the ramblings of video games, pirate movies and cars. Hell, as of late i have started bringing a book and reading during the half hour i have for lunch, just ignoring them...As they do to me.
I know they belittle me, not just because of my lesser amount of skills but being a female. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one person can really understand this feeling i have. Yes i love welding and creating something new out of a piece or metal...But i don't like being alone. Mentally and physically. Yes i like being alone sometimes, but not where or when i have tried to fit in a place i seem to not belong in. I love being in the magnificant shop they have there but i hate being they only female. Yes, i know if i want to persue a career as an Underwater Welder i need to be used to the male comments and actions. But this year...this semester, i am under a ridiculas amount of stress. Being shoved into a class i didn't want to be a part of in the first place three and a half weeks late, trying to get a job so i can be somewhat free from those narcissistic, two-faced, shallow people i call my parents. Along with co-op and trying to get my drivers lisence.
Life is hell. But here i am, still living it. Why haven't i quit yet? On co-op? Or the stupid class i never wanted to take and still hate it each and every single day. Why? Because i don't want to seem weak. Or like being a girl in a guys world bothered me. Yes it bothers me that all they want to talk about is porn, stupid and violent video games, pointless jokes...But i can't let Them know it bothers me, it makes me feel weak because i work harder than everyone else to prove my worth. I guess you have to have a penis or be smoking hot with a rocking body to be worthy in the eyes of a teenaged male. It's always going to be like this so who am i kidding.
In order to protect myself against these savages is simple. Act icy towards people, keep my mouth shut except in certain circumstances. (Circumstances involving stupid ass motherfuckers in my machine shop class who will relise their mistakes in the end...May the Gods have mercy, cause i sure won't)
My supervisor at my co-op placement is just like the others. He says i talk back to him and other bad things. When in reality its just me being me to protect myself from the big bad world. I said something about a magnificant steel sculpture, i called it whimsical. And he took offence to that. Hello, its a sculpture, its going to get commented on by all ages, called all things, especially in Toronto, where it is to be displayed. the sculptures flowing arcs and soft curves coupled with the elegant edge it has made me think of the word whimsical. Apparently thats a bad thing...
But there is a slight bright light in my workplace. An older guy, one of the owners i think is the only one thats really nice to me, he gives me jobs to do that are parts of actual work orders. He lets me wrap of finished parts to be shopped off. I just treat it like a puzzle, to fit the flat cardboard around a strang shape. He reminds me of my grandfather (rest in piece Grandpa...)...nice and likes to work in the shop with power tools to create something new from raw materials. I don't know if he is just being nice to me because i am the only girl who willingly steps foot in the shop to work. Or because he feel sorry for me. He even says Hi to me everyday or almost everyday, when i get there, unlike the others, who nod or just stay silent. He makes working there bearable, barely but bareable.
This day to day life is made even worse becasue i don't have music. No music because apple can't make a decent ipod that doesn't break if i don't use apple earbuds. Those things are a pain in the ass, hence why i use headphones, way better sound quality and i am not obliged to share my music with anyone. Well i strayed off topic. Back to the woes, not the rants. Music calms me, lets me be happier and less stressed, but i haven't had an ipod or mp3 device in almost a year. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE by the way. Music is my life...It makes me, me. It keeps me sane. This year alone i've had four complete emotional breakdowns and countless stress attacks. Never had those when i had some sort of musical device...
Take the hint world. Raiith needs her music to stay sane...
Ok, so here's the scene. I work part time as a co-op student in a welding and machine shop, they do custom everything. There are seven or so guys that work there, with many more popping in and out to chat or make a work order. Besides myself i have only seen 8 other women in the many weeks i have been there. Its a male dominated workplace. I feel out of place more than often. The guys joke around and talk so easily, but my voice lies lost. Lost to the ramblings of video games, pirate movies and cars. Hell, as of late i have started bringing a book and reading during the half hour i have for lunch, just ignoring them...As they do to me.
I know they belittle me, not just because of my lesser amount of skills but being a female. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one person can really understand this feeling i have. Yes i love welding and creating something new out of a piece or metal...But i don't like being alone. Mentally and physically. Yes i like being alone sometimes, but not where or when i have tried to fit in a place i seem to not belong in. I love being in the magnificant shop they have there but i hate being they only female. Yes, i know if i want to persue a career as an Underwater Welder i need to be used to the male comments and actions. But this year...this semester, i am under a ridiculas amount of stress. Being shoved into a class i didn't want to be a part of in the first place three and a half weeks late, trying to get a job so i can be somewhat free from those narcissistic, two-faced, shallow people i call my parents. Along with co-op and trying to get my drivers lisence.
Life is hell. But here i am, still living it. Why haven't i quit yet? On co-op? Or the stupid class i never wanted to take and still hate it each and every single day. Why? Because i don't want to seem weak. Or like being a girl in a guys world bothered me. Yes it bothers me that all they want to talk about is porn, stupid and violent video games, pointless jokes...But i can't let Them know it bothers me, it makes me feel weak because i work harder than everyone else to prove my worth. I guess you have to have a penis or be smoking hot with a rocking body to be worthy in the eyes of a teenaged male. It's always going to be like this so who am i kidding.
In order to protect myself against these savages is simple. Act icy towards people, keep my mouth shut except in certain circumstances. (Circumstances involving stupid ass motherfuckers in my machine shop class who will relise their mistakes in the end...May the Gods have mercy, cause i sure won't)
My supervisor at my co-op placement is just like the others. He says i talk back to him and other bad things. When in reality its just me being me to protect myself from the big bad world. I said something about a magnificant steel sculpture, i called it whimsical. And he took offence to that. Hello, its a sculpture, its going to get commented on by all ages, called all things, especially in Toronto, where it is to be displayed. the sculptures flowing arcs and soft curves coupled with the elegant edge it has made me think of the word whimsical. Apparently thats a bad thing...
But there is a slight bright light in my workplace. An older guy, one of the owners i think is the only one thats really nice to me, he gives me jobs to do that are parts of actual work orders. He lets me wrap of finished parts to be shopped off. I just treat it like a puzzle, to fit the flat cardboard around a strang shape. He reminds me of my grandfather (rest in piece Grandpa...)...nice and likes to work in the shop with power tools to create something new from raw materials. I don't know if he is just being nice to me because i am the only girl who willingly steps foot in the shop to work. Or because he feel sorry for me. He even says Hi to me everyday or almost everyday, when i get there, unlike the others, who nod or just stay silent. He makes working there bearable, barely but bareable.
This day to day life is made even worse becasue i don't have music. No music because apple can't make a decent ipod that doesn't break if i don't use apple earbuds. Those things are a pain in the ass, hence why i use headphones, way better sound quality and i am not obliged to share my music with anyone. Well i strayed off topic. Back to the woes, not the rants. Music calms me, lets me be happier and less stressed, but i haven't had an ipod or mp3 device in almost a year. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE by the way. Music is my life...It makes me, me. It keeps me sane. This year alone i've had four complete emotional breakdowns and countless stress attacks. Never had those when i had some sort of musical device...
Take the hint world. Raiith needs her music to stay sane...
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